By Crystal Zanders, More Life, Less Stuff Freelance Writer
I remember the first time my mom took me and my brother “black Friday” shopping. I was about 8. We were the only folks in line at the Sears tire department. I guess my mom was giving us the gift of safe driving. Child-me was not impressed. Adult-me thinks that would be a wonderful gift (just in case anyone in my family is reading!)
I love the holidays. I love the fact that it is one of the few times in the year we actively encourage one another to be kind. That kindness is expressed in our seasons’ greetings, gifts and gatherings with friends and family.
Over the last few decades, gifting has changed. Sometimes it feels less about community and more about commerce. How do we move beyond buying stuff for stuff’s sake? Beyond making sure we have enough packages to fit the tree? Beyond buying things because “they are on sale”?
One option could be focusing on needs rather than wants. When I was a kid, our Christmas gifts every year contained all of the winter clothes my mother would have bought anyway. She still buys us socks! Kids grow so quickly, they need clothes each year. As an adult, my needs are different. This year, my dad has been paying for my dog’s arthritis shots.
Sidebar: If you are looking for some clothing for holiday gifts, check out the House By the Side of the Road that we interviewed for the Less clothes story. Kids need clothes that fit; they don’t have to be new.
So, as you are preparing presents for the folks on your list, it might be best to start with needs. Are there needs that they have that you could meet or help meet? The best way to find out what somebody needs is to ask them.
Another way to have a Less Stuff Holiday is to focus on experiences rather than items. A few years ago, for my birthday, I gave myself season tickets to the theater, so that I could see Hamilton and all the Broadway shows. Research suggests that people often get more happiness from experiences than from items.
You could take a loved one on a weekend trip. A few years ago, one of my friends took her kids skiing for the first time as their big Christmas gift. They loved it.
Another option would be to focus on service rather than stuff. Service can be directly for the loved one. Many folks would prefer to receive simple things like a house cleaning or a car detailing or a free night of babysitting to another unnecessary item.
You could also gift community service. Wouldn’t it be cool to volunteer or donate goods or cash to their favorite charities and/or community organizations?
We sat down with Robert Kellar, Ann Arbor City Communications Specialist and talked about a Less Stuff Holiday.
What does the holiday season mean for you, and how has its significance changed over time?
For many people, when you're younger, the holiday season means objects. It means things.
As I got older and started to understand the holidays, I never remembered the things I played with or got. Instead, I remembered what the holidays felt like and the experiences of having people visit, of Christmas lights, and of family gathering around food.
My family always had big Thanksgiving gatherings. So it was always just a lot of noise. And as nieces and nephews came along later, it was also about having kids run around. And so even now, to this day, the discussion we have in my house around Thanksgiving and then Christmas is, "Okay, how many people can we fit?" Last year, we had 14 people in our little itty bitty house that was not designed for that many people, but it was great. And now I'll remember it for the rest of my life.
I remember the most impactful Christmas, the year my step dad bought us ski equipment, and we learned how to ski. Granted, there's definitely stuff involved in that, but the experience is what I remember. So now, the holiday season for me means helping my kids make positive memories. I try to understand and approach the holidays from a child's perspective. Though my son's the same as other kids - focused on stuff - they're going to remember the people and the experiences, not the gifts.
How has being a foster parent altered the way you approach the holiday season?
My partner and I have had four foster kiddos, and we're adopting our son now and it feels like a double-edged sword. What you realize is that many foster kids don't grow up with a lot at all, but more importantly, they often grow up without having good experiences and without that constant love and feeling of family. Often, people automatically think of the holidays as a joyful time. Well, in some households, it's not. In fact, my house actually gets pretty dark between Thanksgiving and Christmas.
We lost my mother-in-law the first week of December, a few years ago, to ovarian cancer, and Christmas time is tough for our son, who went through a lot of trauma during his first 10 years of life. And so it's different. It's not always what you think it is. Again, it's about, you know, providing that experience of safety, love and care. Most kids aren't going to care that they got a brand-new pair of shoes. However, in some cases, this is important because some may not have shoes at all. It's important to remember while we fly to our friends and family with gifts they may or may not need or even want, there are a lot of kids out there who have nothing and are looking for that feeling like "I'm not going anywhere, I'm safe, I'm loved."
What does a less-stuff holiday look like to you, and why might it be worth embracing?
I embrace a 'less-stuff' holiday because my partner and I are very fortunate to be in a position that our child doesn't need for things. So the idea of getting him stuff that he's already got and will somehow be superfluous strikes us as wrong. Instead, every year, we adopt a family or multiple families. And embracing a 'less-stuff' holiday is not about guilt or anything. It's not about necessarily not getting anything. Instead of buying stuff for the people who already have so much, we can use that to give the people with little.
Doing so gives us experiences and something that we'll remember for the rest of our lives, like" Oh, remember that holiday where we helped give that family what they needed?" The feeling in our house has been over the years is that the stuff, and I can't speak to everyone, but it never fills the hole and is just a reminder that it never will. Buying things and having them lying around might create dopamine for about five minutes. And then, especially kids from traumatic backgrounds, foster kids are just left with this feeling like "it's not enough" because it never will be.
That's why building experiences and memories is meaningful; they will hold on to them. You know, memories can't break. They can't run out of batteries. They're always there, and they can always give you strength or something you can draw.
Do you want to share any service opportunities that you know of?
There are foster families who need time, which could mean volunteering to babysit. For foster families that are under a lot of stress, two hours of relief from caregiving is so important. To give this gift is more complicated than it sounds. You must go through a process to get cleared to be an alternate caregiver. However, it's a huge help to foster families. Fortunately, most of us have friends who can become an alternative caregiver.
You should find those people in your life who may be struggling and give them some of the time they need for themselves. We've heard it said so many times from foster families that time to themselves is an immense gift - for a mom to say, "I had an hour to myself and so I took a bath and relaxed," or for foster dads to be able to say, "I was able to go fishing by myself and get my mind off of things for a bit."
There are tons of opportunities for you to open your wallet and give in that way. That's fine, and that can be very, very helpful. But there are many opportunities to explore giving of your time, especially for younger people who may not have families yet. Like, think about it. Think about your free time and what it would mean to treat that as a gift to somebody else. You couldn't even put a price on it. When my partner and I were at the worst times, if someone could have come in and said, "Hey, I'll be here for two hours to help," we would've been so relieved. That time would've been worth more than a pound of gold.
Gift-Giving Ideas for a Less Stuff Holiday:
- Volunteer your time at a food pantry or go through the process to become an alternative caregiver for foster parents like Robert.
- Cookies! Trust me, I have done this before. Bring cookies for the folks you work with and you become a (temporary) hero.
- Pay a bill, any bill. I would much rather someone pay my electricity bill than buy me yet another sweater.
- Tickets (or season tickets) to a sporting event, perhaps at the University of Michigan. Go Blue!
- Memberships at a zoo or museum or aquarium. I love these because they allow you to gift to the person but also to support the zoo, museum, or aquarium.
- Tickets to a play or comedy show or speaker event.
- Subscriptions. A few years ago, I received a subscription to OnStar, to help keep me safe while driving. Perhaps a music service for the audiophiles in your life, maybe a streaming service for the movie buffs.
- Gift cards to grocery stores. We all eat, and eating is not free.
- For kids, tickets to a park: a water park, a trampoline park, a theme park, an adventure park. A few years ago, my mom got an autistic toddler in our family a membership to a sensory friendly, inclusive play space.
At the end of the day, the holidays are about showing the folks in our lives that we appreciate them. About kindness and love. About families– bio and chosen, traditions, and memories. About celebrating ourselves and each other. That is what matters, not the stack of stuff.
We wish you and yours a very happy holiday season!
